I don’t want to die.

Then again, who wants to?

This past spring, I watched my friend Nancy face death. I have lost count on how many times she has done that. I have had other people in my life experience the same things. Yet, how does one deal with death voluntarily?

I am facing abdominal surgery to repair hernias and a diastasis recti. Is it life theatening in and of itself? No. Not in the way cancer is or a heart condition would be. Living with it is not without risks though. But are the risks greater than a bigger risk of getting it repaired? When I had to have an emergency c-section with my daughter, the focus was on her. The risk of something happening to her outweighed the risk to me, though at one point during the episode it was the other way around. But it was a sudden surgery, no pre-thought. No choice, really, in the matter. Yet, now I am faced with a choice and I am afraid that my choice may be wrong.

The surgery is not without risks. What if I am in the 1% complication rate? How can I not be there for my children and see them grow? It has become a dark cloud – my worry. Second only to something ever happening to them and how could I go on.

This is the side of motherhood that you don’t know until you become a mother. It is this fierceness and ferocity¬†for our children that causes fear. I don’t have the eloquence like this post that talks of this. I would meet death if need be, but only when I know that I have lived a long enough life with my children and for my children. Will God be gracious and give that to me? To spare this mother the risks so I can see first steps, school plays, tear and laughter? To grow old with my husband?

I am not sure what 2013 will bring. Heck, many people believe the world is going to end on 12/21/12, so this may be moot anyway. Yet, it reminds me that I need to really think about what is important. To prioritize my life in such a way that I do things for joy and not obligation. To do things for friends and not for nameless faces. To experience things that I have always wanted to do, and less so the things that I don’t. Because if the worst does happen, I need to know that I have left behind those memories. Pictures. Videos. Love.

I’m excited for the next couple of months. We have something planned every weekend that is family-oriented. I’m also just over-the-moon excited to be going to Disney World in December and running a Disney race again in January. Joys beyond measures with people that are unmeasurable.

Everyone always says to live today like it was your last. I just wish I wasn’t facing this situation…so I didn’t have to think that way.

Update: Here is what happened

Image from Rebecca Deaton Photography.


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