October 31st, 2012

Facing Death

I don’t want to die.

Then again, who wants to?

This past spring, I watched my friend Nancy face death. I have lost count on how many times she has done that. I have had other people in my life experience the same things. Yet, how does one deal with death voluntarily?

I am facing abdominal surgery to repair hernias and a diastasis recti. Is it life theatening in and of itself? No. Not in the way cancer is or a heart condition would be. Living with it is not without risks though. But are the risks greater than a bigger risk of getting it repaired? When I had to have an emergency c-section with my daughter, the focus was on her. The risk of something happening to her outweighed the risk to me, though at one point during the episode it was the other way around. But it was a sudden surgery, no pre-thought. No choice, really, in the matter. Yet, now I am faced with a choice and I am afraid that my choice may be wrong.

The surgery is not without risks. What if I am in the 1% complication rate? How can I not be there for my children and see them grow? It has become a dark cloud – my worry. Second only to something ever happening to them and how could I go on.

This is the side of motherhood that you don’t know until you become a mother. It is this fierceness and ferocity for our children that causes fear. I don’t have the eloquence like this post that talks of this. I would meet death if need be, but only when I know that I have lived a long enough life with my children and for my children. Will God be gracious and give that to me? To spare this mother the risks so I can see first steps, school plays, tear and laughter? To grow old with my husband?

I am not sure what 2013 will bring. Heck, many people believe the world is going to end on 12/21/12, so this may be moot anyway. Yet, it reminds me that I need to really think about what is important. To prioritize my life in such a way that I do things for joy and not obligation. To do things for friends and not for nameless faces. To experience things that I have always wanted to do, and less so the things that I don’t. Because if the worst does happen, I need to know that I have left behind those memories. Pictures. Videos. Love.

I’m excited for the next couple of months. We have something planned every weekend that is family-oriented. I’m also just over-the-moon excited to be going to Disney World in December and running a Disney race again in January. Joys beyond measures with people that are unmeasurable.

Everyone always says to live today like it was your last. I just wish I wasn’t facing this situation…so I didn’t have to think that way.

Update: Here is what happened
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Image from Rebecca Deaton Photography.

 

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October 31st, 2012

Should I have Surgery to Repair my Diastasis Recti?

There are two situations that I wasn’t expecting as a result of a Diastasis Recti, Umbilical and Ventral surgery: stopping breastfeeding before I was expecting to, and not having more children. I shared my medical situation and here is the emotional side.

For those of you who read the birth story of my daughter, I didn’t get the birth experience I wanted and I felt like I didn’t get to enjoy the final hours of being pregnant or the anticipation of her being born. Hence, when she was born, and in the days after, I wanted to do the one thing natural that I could. That was breastfeeding. The ability to be there, provide her with what she needed to live, and to hold her close. I could make something right. Now, it feels like I’ve gotten another setback. Where my body has failed me again, and my pregnancy continues to haunt me.

To have the surgery, I need to stop breastfeeding eight weeks prior to the procedure, so the hormones will have dissipated and my body will be in the state ready for muscle manipulation. So the issue is timing. The longer I wait to have the surgery (i.e. the longer I breastfeed), the more complications the surgery may entail, the harder the recovery, and more challenges I’ll face in recovery with two kids running around vs. just one.

The recovery period is similar to a c-section with the post-surgery limitation of lifting objects over 15 pounds. (I think you can see where I am going with this.) On one hand, if I want to breastfeed, my surgery is delayed. The longer my surgery is delayed, the more likely I won’t be able to lift my own baby and have rely on others to handle her needs. So, I could wait to have the surgery until such time that she could perform various functions on her own, but I’d be living in pain in the interim and potentially creating greater risk down the road.

One hot mess, right?

Furthermore, if I have the surgery, I cannot have more children. Or at least, be ready for that reality if they need to use objects to fix my tears and holes. How am I supposed to make such a final decision now? I thought it would be gradual determination, and as time went on, we would know. Now, I have to make a decision now as if it was an episode of Jeopardy. (What is, “I have no idea if I am done having children.”)  Yet, if I have more children, with the hernias and weakened state that my torso is in, is that risky? Would it be fixable later with potentially more holes and tears from another pregnancy?

At times, I know I’m done. At other times, I dream of a little nameless face. As I’m up with my children at night, I wonder about the children I may never have. As I’m up with my children at night and desperate for sleep, I think two is enough. Am I okay with that?

As women, we go through a lot to have children, and our bodies take a beating. Well, us normal, non-supermodel women anyway (dang you Gisele). On one hand, having the surgery to help myself seems rather rather selfish. Then again, when is it selfish? When I stop breastfeeding her? Or when I continue, but then cannot pick her up when she asks for Mommy? On the other hand, is taking care of myself actually important to the well-being of my children, or am I vain for staring wistfully at clothes in a department store?

Nothing is easy, and at the moment, I don’t have a lot of answers. I can run (no weight lifting, which wasn’t happening anyway so no loss there), and that helps me process all of these emotions. All I know is that when you see me, please don’t ask me if I am pregnant. Know that I have a lot I’m processing right now, just a couple months after a rather tramatic experience. I’ve been through a lot this year.

Yes, there are many worse things that could have befallen me, but this has been one hell of a year as it relates to my body. I’m a bit weary, I still don’t know what to do…..and time is running out on an answer and a decision. But there is an even bigger fear…death. Here is my post on that.

 

October 31st, 2012

Why Do I Still Look Pregnant?

{This is a rather long post. Yet, as most of my pregnancy posts this past year, it’s worth reading since it’s like watching a train wreck.}

Muscles of the trunk

Muscles of the trunk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Imagine walking down the street and everyone constantly stops you to congratulate you on your pregnancy. Others smile at you in the elevator and ask when you are due. I love this pregnancy attention, but these utterances & joyful expressions happened just yesterday.

And I had my baby 4 months ago.

Many friends provide wonderful sympathy saying it takes awhile to get your body back after a baby; especially the second time around. Yet, as children ask me what is in my belly, and I still need to wear maternity clothes, something is wrong; why do I still look pregnant?

In September, as my toddler danced around the room, and my baby was screaming to be breastfed, I met with a highly-respected surgeon. She took one look at me standing there in my street clothes and immediately said “I’m so sorry”. (Yes, I quote that.) I thought she meant the current insanity we were inflicting on her office, but she meant my health situation. She knew immediately that I had a severe case of diastasis recti, and had two hernias: umbilical and ventral.

What is Diastasis Recti? From what I understand, it’s when your rectus abdominal muscle is split. The rectus abdominal muscle travels down the center of your torso and supports the organs on each side of your belly button. So imagine each is torn apart – like you opened a ziploc bag. Some women have small ziploc bag: one or two finger widths. Mine, however, is about five to six. (The gallon size.) This results in my internal organs pushing out of my body cavity since the muscles can’t do their job to keep it in. Hence, my looking like I’m five months pregnant four months after the fact. (Apparently, that’s a big giveaway to doctors…) This results in a lot of side effects as you can imagine; I don’t know I need to pee, I often am not hungry or am hungry, my stomach is painful when it gets bumped, I have a slouch, and my back has spasms. (I’ll spare you even more of the finer details.)

As for the hernias, the content of the hernia bulges out, which can apply enough pressure that blood vessels are constricted and the blood supply can be cut off. If the blood supply is cut off, it becomes a medical emergency as the tissue needs oxygen which is transported by the blood supply.

Fun times, people. Fun times.

My only physical limitation, thankfully, is I avoid lifting things greater than 15 pounds. The reason is that lifting objects puts a lot of strain on your torso. For example, find a heavy object around your house – say a gallon of water – and lift it up to shoulder height. When you do, you’ll feel it in your abs. It usually is a sub-consious thing. We often don’t even think about it, but just like we don’t think about the act of breathing, we become aware of the limitation when we have a hard time doing so – like when we have a cold.

The other issue is that since I don’t have any muscles supporting my front, it causes me to hunch over. So it puts a lot of pressure on my back. The positive is that I really have to think about lifting with my legs and to have proper posture. Otherwise, I am like a floppy doll that can’t sit upright. So I usually wear a binder that acts as my abs; enabling me to sit tall and to provide the trunk support I need.

Thankfully, I can still run. I just tape myself together so my belly is supported. It is no different than running in the early days of my pregnancy. I just get a lot of looks, which at this point I am used to. They just think I am a pregnant runner. Sometimes I avoid the stares and run on the treadmill at home. But at least I can run. These days, it is my quiet time and I need it. Why? Well, here is the kicker….

Insurance covers hernia repairs, but it does not cover Diastasis Recti. You’d think that, regardless of why your inerds are hanging outerds, insurance would fix it, but hernias can happen to men and women. Yet, Diastasis Recti happens primarily to women. So those men running the government and the insurance companies don’t have much sympathy. The former is considered medical and the other cosmetic. Apparently, I’m vain to want my intestines to be back where they belong.

I did get a second opinion. That doctor said, “Oh, Wow.” (I only wish I was making this stuff up.) Needless to say, I’m happy that this was not “in my head”, but I’m not downplaying it, as it is a pretty messed up situation in there. It is going to cost a lot of money to fix.

That is the medical situation I’m currently facing….

But now……the emotional side of the story.

 

 

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October 30th, 2012

It’s a Bean Party!

Join Magic Beans, Nested Bean and myself on Monday, November 5th at 9 pm ET for a Bean Party! (#BeanParty)

We’ll be chatting about getting sleep with a newborn in the house, everything from swaddling, including infant sleep facts, swaddling info and your tips and tricks for helping baby drift off! There will be over $350 in prizes – including fabulous Magic Beans Gift Cards and several of Nested Bean’s Zen Swaddles!

Nested Bean’s Zen Swaddle was developed by a sleep-deprived mom who noticed that her son only slept while in her arms. Desperate for relief, she studied infant sleep patterns and the physiological benefits they get from being in our arms. The result is the Zen Swaddle, which makes babies feel as though they’re being held. This comforts them and allows them to rest. It is the newest swaddle on the market and the only one that promises up to two hours of additional nighttime sleep by mimicking your touch. It was recently awarded the JPMA 2012 Innovations Award!

Magic Beans is a mom-and-pop shop for, well….moms and pops. Owned by husband-and-wife team Eli and Sheri Gurock, the store, which has several locations throughout Massachusetts and a robust online business, features a handpicked selection of toys, gear, nursery furniture, feeding solutions, clothes… you name it! It is truly a one-stop shop for the best new products, as well as the time-tested tried and true ones too. In addition to what they sell, how they sell is a key reason to check them out. No parent is left to wander and wonder. The stores each have friendly, helpful staff that is there to help.

Even better, Magic Beans and the Nested Bean are throwing a #BeanParty to help you out virtually too – with a great chat about babies, sleep, swaddling and more. So join in the fun!

The Details:

When: Monday, November 5, 2012 from 9pm-10pm ET.

Who: You and anyone you know who is pregnant, has a baby, or is just sleep-deprived.

Hashtag: #BeanParty

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Party Hosts: @NestedBean with bean help from @MBeans@CharChronicles and @SheriGurock

RSVP today, using the Rafflecopter Form below, to be eligible for the awesome prizes! 

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